Last night we had our first tech rehearsal for Plan 9, the live theatre production. Wednesday, as in tomorrow yikes, is our preview show for special donors. Then, the show runs Thursday through Saturday night. If you’re in or near Columbia, SC, you should make an effort to attend. It is insanely weird, funny, and fun.
This will be my acting debut. The stage is not really my thing, I am definitely more of a film and TV person. It’s so strange to me, because in multicam TV you’d get the script at the end of the week and then perform it live in front of a studio audience later that week. Rehearsing for months is crazy!
So, I’ve been rehearsing for months, people had better come watch me. I don’t ever do anything for months. And I’m the makeup artist. That’s a lot of work, I tell you, someone had better appreciate it. Have some photos.
This was actually really hard. I could shoot you off 100 dudes in no time, but I had to do a lot of IMDb surfing to find these. So, who am I missing?
1. Abbey Bartlett, Stockard Channing (The West Wing)
2. Ainsley Hayes, Emily Procter (West Wing)
3. Anna, Jodie Foster (Anna and the King)
4. Anne Shirley, Megan Follows (Anne of Green Gables)
5. Annie Wilkes, Kathy Bates (Misery)
6. Ariel (The Little Mermaid)
7. Aurora (Sleeping Beauty)
8. Barbara Novak, Renee Zellweger (Down with Love)
9. Baroness, Anjelica Huston (Ever After)
10. Beatrix Kiddo, Uma Thurman (Kill Bill)
11. Belle (Beauty and the Beast)
12. Brenda, Bette Midler (First Wives Club)
13. Buffy, Sarah Michelle Gellar (Buffy)
14. Cady, Lindsay Lohan (Mean Girls)
15. Carrie, Sissy Spacek (Carrie)
16. Catwoman, Eartha Kitt (Batman)
17. Charlotte (Charlotte’s Web)
18. Cinderella, Lesley Ann Warren (Cinderella)
19. CJ Craig, Allison Janney (The West Wing)
20. Clarice Starling, Jodie Foster (The Silence of the Lambs)
21. Clarissa, Melissa Joan Hart (Clarissa Explains it All)
22. Cruella de Vil, Glenn Close (101/102 Dalmatians)
23. Danielle, Drew Barrymore (Ever After)
24. Debbie, Joan Cusack (Addams Family)
25. Eddie, Jennifer Saunders (Ab Fab)
26. Elena, Catherine Zeta Jones (Chicago)
27. Elise, Goldie Hawn (First Wives Club)
28. Elizabeth Bennett, Jennifer Ehle (Pride & Prejudice)
29. Elizabeth II, Helen Mirren (The Queen)
30. Elizabeth, Cate Blanchett (Elizabeth)
31. Elle, Reese Witherspoon (Legally Blonde)
32. Emily, Joan Cusack (In & Out)
33. Grace, Brenda Blethyn (Saving Grace)
34. Gracie Lou Freebush, Sandra Bullock (Miss Congeniality)
35. Gwen, Sigourney Weaver (Galaxy Quest)
36. Helen, Jamie Lee Curtis (True Lies)
37. Jane Tennison, Helen Mirren (Prime Suspect)
38. Jane, Susan Sarandon (Witches of Eastwick)
39. Jean Brodie, Maggie Smith (The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie)
40. Julia Child, Meryl Streep (Julie & Julie)
41. Karen, Megan Mullaly (Will & Grace)
42. Laine Hanson, Joan Allen (The Contender)
43. Lamia, Michelle Pfeiffer (Stardust)
44. Laurie, Jamie Lee Curtis (Halloween)
45. Leeloo Dallas Multipass, Milla Jovovich (5th Element)
46. Leontine, Fiona Shaw (Triumph of Love)
47. Lisa Cuddy, Lisa Edelstein (House)
48. Madeleine Kahn (Young Frankenstein, Blazing Saddles, History of the World Part 1)
49. Maleficent (Sleeping Beauty)
50. Marge, Frances McDormand (Fargo)
51. Marquise de Merteuil, Glenn Close (Dangerous Liaisons)
52. Mary Poppins, Julie Andrews (Mary Poppins)
53. Matilda, Mara Wilson (Matilda)
54. Matron Mama Morton, Queen Latifah (Chicago)
55. Melinda, Kristen Stewart (Speak)
56. Merryweather (Sleeping Beauty)
57. Mia Thermopolis, Anne Hathaway (Princess Diaries)
58. Mildred Hubble, Georgina Sherrington (The Worst Witch)
59. Miranda, Meryl Streep (Devil Wears Prada)
60. Miss Minchin, Eleanor Bron (A Little Princess)
61. Miss Perky, Allison Janney (10 Things I Hate About You)
62. Molly Weasley, Julie Waters (Harry Potter)
63. Morticia Addams, Anjelica Huston (Addams Family)
64. Mrs. Macbeth, Maureen Tierney (Scotland PA)
65. Mrs. Tingle, Helen Mirren (Teaching Mrs. Tingle)
66. Mrs. Wilkinson, Julie Waters (Billy Elliot)
67. Nina Garcia (Project Runway)
68. Ofelia, Ivana Baquero (Pan’s Labyrinth)
69. Patsy, Joanna Lumley (Absolutely Fabulous)
70. Pippi Longstocking (Pippi Longstocking)
71. Princess Leia, Carrie Fisher (Star Wars)
72. Princess, Mira Sorvino (Triumph of Love)
73. Principal, Joan Cusack (School of Rock)
74. Private Benjamin, Goldie Hawn (Private Benjamin)
75. Rainbow Brite (Rainbow Brite)
76. Raymond’s mother, Angela Lansbury (The Manchurian Candidate)
77. Ripley, Sigourney Weaver (Alien)
78. Sally, Catherine O’Hara (Nightmare Before Christmas)
79. Sally, Meg Ryan (When Harry Met Sally)
80. Samantha, Kim Cattrall (Sex and the City)
81. Sara Crewe, Liesel Matthews (A Little Princess)
82. Sarah, Jennifer Connolley (The Labyrinth)
83. Scarlett O’Hara, Vivien Leigh (Gone With the Wind)
84. Serafina Pekkala, Eva Green (The Golden Compass)
85. She-Ra (She-Ra)
86. Susan Stanton, Emma Thompson (Primary Colors)
87. Susan, Meryl Streep (Adaptation)
88. Terry, Joyce Hyser (Just one of the guys)
89. Tina Fey (Mean Girls, SNL, 30 Rock)
90. Tommy, Pam Ferris (Death to Smoochy)
91. Tracy Turnblad, Nikki Blonsky (Hairspray)
92. Velma Kelly, Catherine Zeta Jones (Chicago)
93. Veronica, Winona Rider (Heathers)
94. Victoria, Julie Andrews (Victor/Victoria)
95. Warden Walker, Sigourney Weaver (Holes)
96. Wednesday Addams, Christina Ricci (Addams Family)
97. Willow, Alyson Hannigan (Buffy)
98. Wonder Woman, Lynda Carter (Wonder Woman)
99. Xena, Lucy Lawless (Xena)
100. Yzma, Eartha Kitt (The Emperor’s New Groove)
I acted as Casting Director for the Thesis Films my last year of grad school and experienced the scariest audition ever. I would like to share the story, as a warning to other actors. Do not behave like this. Ever.
We called this actress, MKS, like 2 weeks before we landed in LA. She’d sent in her headshot and we’d thought her credentials at least earned her audition, but she never returned our call. When we land in LA, Scott, the casting assistant, has like 2 messages from MKS. Before we can call her back, she calls again.
She says she doesn’t know what the project is because her agent submitted it (even though she submitted through an actor’s site). So I explained what the project was and she said “That sounds dumb.” But she still scheduled an audition. I warned her that we were without internet and didn’t know how long it would be to get her the sides but that it’d probably be tomorrow.
That night, perhaps 3 hours after the initial call, she called again because she hadn’t gotten the sides yet.
During the next day’s auditions, she called like 10 times. In the last message, she said that she was going to have to cancel because she still hadn’t gotten the sides and didn’t think she’d be prepared, which was a shame because she’d be great for the role. Later in the day, Jess, other Casting Assistant, called her and said that we were in auditions and it would be much later that night that we’d be able to get her the sides. She called again to complain sometime that evening. We sent her the sides that night.
The next day, she was about 15 minutes late to her appt. We went to bring her in and she rebuked us, saying she wasn’t ready. She came in a few minutes later, loaded down with enough stuff to build a tent and give a power point presentation inside it. She set her stuff down.
She handed me her portfolio, which is really more of a modeling thing, not an acting one, but I obliged her by opening it, only to see a picture of her totally naked, full bush. I really wasn’t prepared for that. I immediately closed it and refused to pass it to my other casting staff.
Then she hands us three different resumes, one on pink paper. By each film, none of which have I heard of, “Blockbuster box office hit” is written. Other highlights include her age (19) and her skills (cat-fighting). Also, she put a glove on to go through her stuff, I guess to protect her from the paper.
She can’t find her sides, so I end up giving her my copy, which she takes with her instead of returning. She says that she’s uncomfortable doing something with so much “action acting” in it, which is why she brought some monologues she’d like to do. We say she doesn’t need to worry about the miming, just the emotions. She gets up and starts acting. Stops us a few lines in to start over. Second go through she tries to kiss the reader over the table. When she stops us again to tell us she could be so much better at it, I tell her to sit down before the reader’s girlfriend tests those previously advertised cat-fighting skills.
At some point in all of this she tells us that she’s pretty damn good and is perfect for the role. When she finally makes it through once, we say thanks. She tries to read her monologue and we all collectively go no thanks. She then makes sure we all get her business cards which are just pictures of her half naked jumping with her name on them.
After she leaves, we see her walk by once or twice while we’re holding auditions, like she’s pacing in the hallway, and Jess goes and checks to make sure she can’t find her. Tom and I start writing a horror movie about a crazy stalker actor because the other two say I can’t post the video on YouTube and no one will believe how awful she was. After a couple more auditions, Scott goes to get us lunch, an hour and a half passes, and I have to go use the restroom.
I open the door, and she is there, simply standing and waiting. “I need to talk to you.” Serious shades of Fatal Attraction here and I’m freaking out. But, I decide I really have to pee, so I go into the stall. “Do you mind if I talk to you while you’re in there?”
At this point my ability to not be sarcastic has stopped existing.
Me: No. I guess I can hear you.
MKS: It’s just that, I think I could do a lot better if you let me do this monologue. It’s Orin Ishii.
Me: Well, I think we’ve gotten what we need. The director will certainly be able to see whether you’re right for the role.
This exchange goes back and forth in various iterations. I come out of the stall.
MKS: Do you think I’ll get the part?
Me: Well, to be honest, the director is looking for someone a little bit older than you.
MKS: How old?
Me: Mid to late twenties.
MKS: Well, I know on my resume it says I’m 19, but I’m actually 23.
Me: … ok… well, its not about the number, it’s about how old you look.
MKS: But it’s just that I’m actually 23… let me show you my driver’s license.
Me: I don’t need to see your driver’s license. It’s about how old you look.
She starts going through her many bags.
MKS: Also, I’m sorry for how I look, I just started taking Accutane and it makes your skin break out before it gets better.
She rambles on. I am getting anxious and want to leave. She shoves the license in my face. I take it.
Me: Great. I’ve gotta get back to the auditions.
I hand her the license and start to leave. There are a couple of actors waiting, because I’ve been in the bathroom for like 10 minutes at this point. She comes up behind me.
MKS: Well, if he doesn’t cast me because of my age, that’s stupid. Because I am this character. I am just like her and I am great actress.
With that she leaves.
1. Call casting people back faster than two or three weeks later
2. Don’t lie
3. Don’t call the project stupid
4. Don’t call people 15 times in one day
5. Don’t threaten the casting people
6. Don’t be late to an Audition
7. Be prepared for your Audition; don’t take 10 minutes into the audition to be settled
8. Don’t hand the Casting Director naked photos
9. Don’t print your resume on pink paper
10. Don’t have three different resumes
11. Don’t restart; if you want to do it over, ask at the end
12. Don’t try to physically touch the other reader; don’t try to kiss them
13. Don’t tell people how great you are, they won’t believe you
14. Don’t hang out outside the room after your audition is over
15. Don’t stalk the Casting Director in the bathroom
16. Don’t stalk anyone in the bathroom
17. Don’t talk to people while they’re peeing
18. Don’t lie on your resume